6 months ago my son Leo (14m) decided to cutoff my brother Jack (46m). Now my mum, brother, SIL and other family members want me to make my son forgive him to keep the peace. For a little bit of context, I'm (46m) a single dad. My family has always helped me in many ways (mostly baby-sitting when Leo was younger) and even before my son was born, we were all very close. We all live relatively close to each other so we've been able to keep in touch with weekly gatherings, spending the holidays together, etc. Everyone loves my son and my son loved them back. However, my brother Jack was always my son's favorite person. Back when my son was 3-4 years old, Jack and his wife had more flexible jobs than me (think freelancing vs a 9 to 5) so they always volunteered to look after Leo, something he loved. Almost every month they would take him to the zoo, or the aquarium, or they'd even go camping with him. As my son grew older, he started to develop the same interests as ny brother like video games, photography, and music. When Leo was 9, he told me he wanted to have the same career as his uncle. This is all to say, they were extremely close. Last year my brother informed me that he and his GF Mary were getting married. I knew that neither Jack nor his gf believed in marriage so when I asked them about it, they told me it was all Karen's idea (my SIL's mum). Because Jack and Mary didn't care much about the wedding and since Karen was paying for it, they let her plan everything, from the venue to the food, music, etc. Karen decided to plan a destination wedding at a fancy resort. In July of last year we received the invitation and it was addressed to both me and my son. I even had a plus one if I wanted. And as soon as the website went up, I tried to make a reservation for our hotel room. I should clarify that I had to call the hotel to make my reservation because the link wasn't working and I really couldn't risk not getting a room. When I received the email confirmation, it said "room for 2 adults" but I didn't think much of it and just assumed it was an error due to the language barrier with the hotel guy. I also bought the plane tickets for us around the same time. Fast forward to January, less than a month before the wedding, when my SIL called me crying saying that Karen had made a mistake with the venue. Apparently, the resort was for adults only so they didn't allow anyone younger than 16. My son was 13 at the time. I asked her if it would be possible for Leo and me to say in another hotel, but they told me the whole resort was child free so my son wouldn't even be allowed to attend the ceremony or the reception. I was disappointed and I told my SIL I'd talk to my son about it (I knew how excited he was about his uncle's wedding) but she insisted both her and Jack wanted to tell him in person. Honestly my son was devastated. He started crying as soon as he was told he wouldn't be able to go. He pleaded with them and even offered to give them all of his savings so they could move the wedding. After 30 minutes of this, my SIL got frustrated and just told him that he was being selfish and that this day wasn't about him. Leo eventuallyapologized and went to his room. After the wedding, my son just stopped talking to my brother. If Jack sent him a message, Leo would just ignore it unless it had something to do with me (for example, he would only reply if Jack asked him to tell me something because he couldn't reach me, etc). On our family gatherings, Leo would only respond to small questions like "can you pass the salt" or "help grandma with the plates", but he would ignore my brother if Jack or Mary tried to start a conversation or ask him about school, etc. A month after the wedding, Jack and Mary offered to take him for a special vacation during spring break to "make up for the wedding", but my son just ignored them and he later told me he didn't want to go with them. It was heartbreaking because I knew how much he wanted to go to that place and I wasn't able to afford it yet, but he stuck to his guns. Something similar happened on Leo's birthday. He asked me if I was planning to throw him a party (I do it every year) and when I said yes he asked me not to invite his aunt and uncle. I tried to convince him to invite them because they're family and they were really sorry but he just said that if they didn't want him on their special day, he didn't want them on his. My brother was crying when I told him he wasn't invited. However, things came to a head this past weekend. We were at my mum's house and the conversation of Leo's university came up. My mum asked Leo if he was still planning on going to the same university as Jack and that he should start planning for that, but my son replied that he wasn't interested anymore and he had chosen to study something else. Then my mum said "I thought you wanted to be like your uncle" and my son just said "why would I want to be like him?""AITA for not making my son forgive my brother after he was uninvited from his wedding?"
At this point I intervened and told Leo he didn't have to be so rude but the damage was already done. Both my brother and SIL heard what he said and they left shortly after.
Last night my brother texted me saying I was an a^%$ole for letting my son continue with this grudge and he even accused me of being jealous of their relationship and that's why I wasn't doing anything to fix it.
I just told him these were the consequences of his actions and that this was 100% his fault by allowing his POS mother-in-law to plan the wedding when she obviously hated my child. He hung up on me.
My mum and some other family members think I should force my son to forgive my brother so we can all move on claiming there was no ill intent and it was just a small mistake. But I don't think I should. My son was clearly hurt and he should be allowed to heal and forgive them only when he's ready. So AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA- I have a hunch this is less about the wedding and more about the conversation where they called him selfish. To me, that conversation would’ve done enough damage to ruin the relationship. I’m guessing they never apologized to your son for saying the things they said or reacting the way they did.
He trusted them, and instead of them helping him process this extremely upsetting thing- that was their mistake- they called him selfish and yelled at him and effectively ruined their relationship. They are the adults- if they want to fix the relationship, they need to stop trying to buy him and they need to start apologizing and making amends for the hurt and discord they caused.
Your son wasn’t rude when he said he didn’t want to be like his uncle- he was answering a question honestly- no one shouldn’t put him in a position to give an honest answer he would get in trouble for- that’s incredibly crappy on the adults to do- especially when you called him rude- you are the ah for that.
Get him some therapy- he’s been betrayed by some of the most important people in his life. Your son is the only one nta in this situation. You should apologize to him as well for calling him rude when he wasn’t.
If uncle jack really loved him, he should have come in person and apologized and offered some ways to make up to him. Instead he just assumed he will get over it. At 14 hell no.
18 days later OP came back with this update:
So I've received some messages asking for an update. I appreciate everyone who took the time to comment and send me messages. Some may have bee a bit harsh but I deserved it. Thanks for slapping some sense into me.
The short version is that we'll stop going to the family events for a while. I talked to my brother and he will respect my son's boundaries (and he also explained what really happened). And, above all, Leo is doing much better now.
Here's the longer update in case anyone's interested in the details:
Mum and sister.
The short of it is that I informed my mum that both Leo and I would stop going to the family gatherings until things calmed down and, more importantly, until he felt comfortable again. She was understandably upset but I think she finally understood how much she had been hurting Leo.
What surprised me is that my mum told me that Jack had become depressed so she was worried about him, and that's why she was so insistent that Leo should forgive him. I basically told her that if we forced Leo to 'forgive' my brother, we risked pushing him away from us.
As for my sister, she was also sad when I told her we'd stop going to the family gatherings but she said she understood. However, she suggested we make our own weekly tradition so the children can still hangout, and that's what we've been doing for the last couple of weeks.
We decided my siblings would come to my house one week and then Leo would hang out at hers the next. So far it seems to be working and Leo is happy with this arrangement. I think it helps that he isn't being pressured by the adults expecting him to talk to his uncle.
Jack and Mary.
The weekend after I posted here, I texted my brother asking him to meet me so we could talk. I had told him that I wanted to speak with him alone so Mary wasn't present.
Jack immediately apologised and said how much he regretted what he had done and the things he had told me. He confirmed what I already suspected and said he was stressed because of the constant fights with Mary. He mentioned that he had considered divorce because of how bad the fights got.
I may seem cruel here but I basically told him that I didn't care about that. What I wanted was for him to tell me the truth about what the hell had happened.
Jack maintains that he didn't know about the venue being child-free until last November. However, like many of you suspected, Mary had known for quiet a while, maybe even the whole time.
Apparently, this all started a few years back when Jack and Mary took Leo to the beach. While they were playing, my son had accidentally called Jack 'dad' before quickly correcting himself.
From what Jack told me, it was a small mistake like when you call a teacher 'mum'. Leo was embarrassed, but Jack just laughed it off. The catch? Jack's MIL (Karen) and FIL had joined them for that vacation and they overheard Leo when that happened.
When they came back from their vacation, Karen had gone ballistic claiming she was triggered by some 'random kid' calling Jack dad knowing that Mary can't have children. Mary had tried to explain it was just a misunderstanding, but Karen became extremely toxic and abusive towards Mary and she started making demands like not inviting Leo over when Karen visited, etc.
So when Jack and Mary decided to get married, and since they initially just wanted to elope and not have a party at all, Karen manipulated Mary and convinced her to let her plan the 'perfect wedding' for her only daughter.
Mary gave in because she was sick of several years of emotional manipulation and she just wanted to keep the peace. So Karen hijacked the wedding and she chose the child-free venue on purpose.
Mary discovered this when the venue was booked or shortly after but she didn't say anything because every time she tried to argue, Karen would play the victim and stuff. Mary claimed that she had tried to negotiate with the resort that an exception be made so the children could attend the ceremony/reception even if they stayed in a different hotel, but the manager stood firm on the policy.
But the closer they got to the date, the more anxious she got until she finally admitted the truth to Jack in November. According to my brother, Mary exploded to Leo because of all the constant bullying and manipulation from her own mother, and she also felt extremely guilty by letting things get that far.
For his part, Jack said that if he had found out before, he would have stepped in and cancelled the wedding rather than exclude Leo and my sister's children. But by that point a lot of people had already booked their flights and hotel rooms so cancelling wasn't an option.
In the end I told my brother that none of that excused the way they had behaved, especially his wife. She was a 40+ year old woman picking a fighting with a kid. She had yelled and called him selfish when all Leo wanted was to offer the £2000 he had saved so he could be part of Jack's special day.
I reminded him that Leo looked up to him and considered his hero, and he had let him down. He had shown Leo that he wasn't important to him the way Jack was important to Leo.
I also told him that I would keep supporting Leo on going no contact and I'd be going low contact with him myself. He asked me for a chance to apologise to Leo but I told him he had already apologise. All he could do now was wait to see if one day my son would accept his apology. Jack seemed hurt but he told me he would respect our wishes and give us time and space.
Leo.
As for my son, I apologised for not standing up to him and forcing him to meet with the family every week. I told him that he could decide what he wanted to do with that part of the family going forward. He seemed reluctant to stop going but I let him know that I would support him no matter what and that I wouldn't be upset.
What made me happy was that Leo suggested we could stop going to the family every week and instead we could spend more time together, he and I, doing some of the things he used to do with my brother. Last week we went to a vintage car show and next week we're going to watch Wicked. I'm not a theater guy but it sounds fun.
I also told him I was worried he had stopped doing things he liked and that he shouldn't stop just because he had a falling out with someone he cared about. Basically told him it was okay to still enjoy things by himself or with someone else. He admitted he actually wanted to do those things but stopped just to spite Jack.
I decided to give him an early christmas gift and bought him some games he had been excited about but that he had refunded after the fight with my brother. He even convinced me to play with him some final fantasy online game on his PS5 while he plays on PC.
I admit I have no idea what I'm doing on that game since the last final fantasy game I played was still in 2D, but he seems to enjoy watching me fail. Any advice here is welcome.
Finally, we decided to take a trip to his 'dream' destination for my birthday. I was a little bit sad because it's going to be the first time in almost 50 years that I don't celebrate a birthday with my brother, but I've got my son and that's all that matters.
So yeah, Leo is happier and less stressed about the family. Speaking of which, I think the family is finally respecting our boundaries so that's good too. I just hope my brother can work on his marriage. I may hate what they did but I do want him to be happy.
Here's what people had to say to OP after the update:
Did you go to the wedding?
LeoBastion OIP responded:
I'm going to have nightmares about this question. No, I didn't go to the wedding.
Good. Your boy will always remember. You sound like a great dad. I don’t know how I would do this without the wife. Love from my fam to yours ❤️🩹
I'm really, really glad that you apologised directly to him for not standing up for him in front of your family. I think that really meant a lot to him.
Your brother may be very sorry but at the end of the day; he stood by his wife when she was insulting a child and he stood by her when the secret about the venue was revealed, and every day since. That's what Leo remembers and will never forget.
Have a great vacation, and I wish the best for you and your son!
I worry that she is just a mini-me to her mother. Plays the victim when she gets called out on it.
